Winter Newsletter

by Ashley Davis Prend, LCSW

 “The Myth of Closure”

            “When will I begin to feel better?”  “When will I return to normal?”  “When will I find some closure?” These are questions that grievers often ask.  Closure, our culture tells us, will bring about a tidy ending, a sense of completion.  Some grievers hope that the desired magical closure will occur after the funeral or memorial service.  Others are confident it will come once they have cleared out their loved one’s room.  Or maybe after a special personal ritual.  Or at least after the first anniversary comes and goes.  “Surely then, we will have closure,” we think.  We pray.

            The reason we long for closure, of course, is because we would like to neatly seal away all of the pain.  We would like to close out the sad, confused, desperate, angry feelings from our life.  We would like to put all of that behind us.

            Closure.  What an odd concept really, as if we could truly close the door on pain – turn the lock and throw away the key.  The truth is far more complex, of course.

            Closure is for business deals.  Closure is for real estate transactions.  Closure is not for the complex feelings we have toward people we love.

            Closure simply does not exist emotionally, not in a pure sense.  We cannot close the door on the past as if it didn’t exist because after losing someone dear to us, we never forget that person or the love we shared.  And in some ways, we never entirely get over the loss.  We learn to live with it, to integrate it into our new identity, to acclimate to the change.

            Imagine if we really could end this chapter in our life, completely.  It would mean losing our memories, our connections to those we love.  If we really found closure, it would ironically hurt even more because the attachment would be severed.  And this attachment is vital to us – the memories are treasures to be held close, not closed out.

            Perhaps it is better to think in terms of healing.  Yes, we can process our pain and move to deeper and deeper levels of healing.  Yes, we can find ways to move on and channel our pain into productive activities.  Yes, we can even learn to smile again and laugh again and love again.

            But let’s not ever think that we’ll close the door completely on what this loss means, for if we did that, we would unwittingly close the door on all the love that we shared.  And that would truly be a loss to terrible to bear.

 

Ashley Davis Prend is a local psychotherapist and the author of “Transcending Loss” and “Claim Your Inner Grown-up”